


42

by flowerhyunjins



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multiple Endings, Suicide, so theres the trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-24 05:23:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14948369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerhyunjins/pseuds/flowerhyunjins
Summary: when we first met, i told you that you were perfect, and you didn't believe me.now at the edge of the world, you told me you loved yourself for the first time in a long time.or, in which bang chan has been thinking about his life.





	1. after

“what are you doing, hyung?"

chan laughed humourlessly. "what does it look like i'm doing, kid?"

jeongin stood behind chan, who was sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of a bridge. the streetlight illuminated the sidewalk perfectly. there were no cars around anymore, making it peacefully but also painfully silent. even though they were quite the distance from each other, chan could hear jeongin breathing to try and lower his heart rate. jeongin tensed in the end.

"don't," he whispered.

the two stayed in silence for a while. the only sound surrounding them was the small waves of the river below. even then, what used to bring chan so much serenity; the waves, the sea, turned out to be nothing but a dull whisper in his ear. chan still felt jeongin behind him, and he wondered why the younger hasn't left yet.

"jeongin, do you remember the first time we talked?" chan suddenly brought up.

_jeongin was out having dinner with his parents. texting chan under the table secretly had been his priority. after hyunjin and felix dared him to start a conversation with chan by calling him using his code name from a girl who had a crush on him, the conversation was stretched out further than expected._

"yes," jeongin breathed out, replaying the memory of months ago as if it was just yesterday in his mind. "i do."

"what did you tell me?"

_jeongin read the words on his phone screen over and over again. how could chan ever say something like that? did he really think he had nothing, all while jeongin sat there, thinking chan was the most perfect human being in the whole universe?_

_“you’ve got all these good qualities and you’re perfect…but you don’t think so. why?”_

_“well, i guess no one’s gonna see themselves as a good person.”_

“i told you that you’re perfect," jeongin told him, voice cracking halfway, "but you didn't believe me."

and finally, chan turned around, a small, genuine smile on his face. just happy to see jeongin and happy to have him here. jeongin couldn't smile. anxious tears rolled down his face silently, afraid of every movement chan could possibly make.

"let go of me, jeongin," chan told him, "it'll be okay. i'll be in a better place. just let me go."

jeongin shook his head, bottom lip quivering. "i cant. please. please, hyung. stay here. it'll get better soon, i promise. just please-"

"jeongin," chan cut off softly, "it's okay."

jeongin shook his head once more, outstretching his hand slowly for chan to take. "no...hyung. just take my hand. let's go home, hyung. or we can go to jisung's house and you can stay the night with changbin too. you don't have to go home. just stay one more day.  _one more. please_."

chan stared back at jeongin, contemplating various things. his mind wandered off to seungmin. just days ago, the boy saw his scars. he knew why. chan also knew seungmin wouldn't be able to live with it, knowing why chan took his own life, but he wouldn't be able to tell anyone.

_"hyung…what happened?” seungmin asked concernedly, staring down at chan’s wrist littered with fading scars._

_“it’s alright, seungmin. don’t worry about it. it’s been a long time since i’ve done it,” chan smiled half-heartedly._

_we don't bring each other down. chan wont let seungmin suffer just because he was suffering too._

"okay," chan whispered, beginning to outstretch his hand to take jeongin's significantly smaller one.

slowly, carefully, jeongin pulled chan to his feet safely from the edge of the bridge. in the dark night, there they stood at the edge of the world, looking out at the horizon where the water met the sky, reflecting the moon and the stars on the water's surface. chan breathed out, feeling free. he slowly reached out to take jeongin's hand again, entwining their fingers this time.

"because of you, i loved myself for the first time in a long time," chan admitted, "thank you for that."

and then, chan turned to the younger and planted a kiss on his forehead. jeongin didn't feel the ecstatic feeling of butterflies in his stomach like he thought he would, he just felt calm. calm that chan was okay. calm that tonight ended up this way instead of the millions of other possible outcomes. this universe's version of him managed to say just the right things in the right sequence to save chan's life. maybe it was luck, maybe it wasn't.

jeongin's just glad to be able to take chan to jisung's house that night, knowing he'll be safe there.

but of course, one question lingers in all of your minds. what drove chan to that point? what had been chan and jeongin's history? so i will tell you this now, this was only just the beginning of the end. however, that will be for a later day. now, we can begin to venture into the past of a certain life, a rollercoaster with a series of ups and downs, designed with intricate detail so that everyone would have a different version of their own rollercoaster. one second you'll be at the top, and the next at rock bottom, all while someone else would experience the same opposite, or a constant high, or even a constant low.

now, you'll experience life through the eyes of a boy who was saved in a way that you would never expect.


	2. before

not many remembered what bang chan was like before he ultimately pressed his very own self-destruct button. not jeongin, who's heard about him endlessly from the girl who had a crush on him; the girl who was jeongin's friend. not even felix, who’d been fairly close to the boy. 

chan's best friends, jisung and changbin, obviously did. jeongin couldn't recall a single moment when he didn't see them together outside of classes. it was always the three of them. always.

jeongin entered the restaurant, his parents walking in front of him, and his two brothers bickering behind him. jeongin’s eyes were fixated on his phone as he typed back in all capitals to the group chat that consisted of him, kim woojin, hwang hyunjin, and lee felix. he tried to bite back the smile that was threatening to creep on his face, but ultimately failed. the family took their seats on a table in the far back of the restaurant. he looked up from his phone to tell him parents what he wanted just so he could be considered as “socializing”, before looking back at his phone.

 **felix:** YANG JEONGIN SEND THIS TO CHAN  
**woojin:** for the love of god  
**hyunjin:** FELIX WE ARE GENIUSES.  
**felix:** _Picture sent._

when the picture, or screenshot, really, that felix sent loaded on jeongin’s phone, jeongin choked. apparently, girls used code names for guys they liked so that when they talked about them in public, no one would know who they were discussing. in this case, jeongin’s friend had named him science. god knows why, but it was vague enough for no one to know.

except, the crush was overly obvious and they just _wouldn’t shut up about it in the hallways._

in short, practically everyone who was in jeongin and chan’s circle of friends knew, and made jokes about it. chan doesn’t know that jeongin knows. he also doesn’t know jeongin holds a very small soft spot for him in his heart. to satisfy the group chat that was exploding with messages, mostly from felix and hyunjin, jeongin gave in, formulating a decent message to just send to chan out of nowhere.

 **jeongin:** "ay science” is that good  
**woojin:** what NO DONT DO THAT

jeongin snorted.

 **felix:** oh my god innie, just dO IT JESUS  
**hyunjin:** HJHHHH JEONGIN QUICK HES ONLINE HE JUST SENT ME SOMETHGJINGS

jeongin’s heart stopped for a while. he quickly found chan’s contact and contemplated the action before finally pasting the message and clicking send without thinking twice. he locks his phone, shutting his eyes and praying for the best. he felt a notification come in, but he doesn’t open it. when it was followed with 20 others in a single second, he unlocked his phone and checked what it was.

_two from chan._

of course the 20 or so others were from his friends. he opened chan’s first.

 **chan:** haha nice one!  
**chan:** did hyunjin tell you about that?

jeongin sucked in a deep breath, biting his lip before typing out another message

 **jeongin:** yeah lmao  
**chan:** nice nice  
**chan:** did he tell you the other thing?  
**jeongin:** what other thing?  
**chan:** i’m leading her on.

jeongin furrows his eyebrows at this. he checks the group chat to find that hyunjin had sent them a screenshot of his conversation with chan. there, chan confessed to leading jeongin’s friend on. he almost felt bad, but he remembered how she told park jinyoung, a boy who used to be friends with him, about his crush on him. jinyoung, not particularly supportive of homosexual matters, ended up avoiding and ignoring jeongin for months, causing the boy to drift away from jeongin, hyunjin, felix, and woojin altogether to join a new group of friends.

out of spite and anger, jeongin decided she deserved what chan was doing to her.

jeongin ended up talking to chan for longer than expected. in the midst of that, chan accidentally let a _"i don’t even know why she likes me. what do i have?”_ slip. jeongin’s emotions turned confused, but then mainly sympathetic. does chan really think that way about himself?

so jeongin did what instinct told him to do. he listed a small fraction of the positive things he saw in chan and told him about it. behind the screen that shielded their facial expressions from each other, chan smiled. a real genuine smile. he felt his heart melt a little, talking to the younger boy, so he thanked him before telling him he was going to go to bed.

that night, chan gets some quality sleep. he does not stay up until the ungodly hours of the morning, thinking about what he's done with his life, what it got him, and writing down lyrics that were way too graphic. he does not feel tears pricking at his eyes and soon rolling down his cheeks. he does not worry tonight, because a certain someone called yang jeongin told him he cared, and chan’s never been so glad to have a little more support after jisung and changbin.

that night, bang chan does not let another piece of him die like all the other nights.

~

overtime, even months after that specific night, chan grew closer with jeongin. he wont admit it, but jeongin’s innocence and purity drew him in. maybe because he wanted to learn to be like him, because jeongin was everything he wasn’t. he was a mess inside; the hurricane destroying everything in it’s path. jeongin was the cool breeze on a quiet hill as the sun dipped under the horizon. they contradicted each other, yet created a blooming friendship so healthy, jeongin was afraid he’d end up the same way his friend did.

but he didn’t, because chan’s feelings towards him was genuine, whereas jinyoung's were both forced and fabricated.

there is no mutual pining in the friendship. chan does not return the romantic feelings jeongin developed for him, and even though it was slightly obvious, chan went with it. it didn’t change anything about jeongin. jeongin was still jeongin. chan had no reason to change just because of that.

so, after months and months of stable recovery from the deep hole he fell into, he felt himself get better. thanks to jeongin, jisung no longer was awaken at 3am by the loud ringtone he set for chan in case something bad was to happen to him. thanks to jeongin, changbin didn’t have to stay up all night, worrying if his friend was going to make it through the night or not. most of this was jeongin, but he wouldn’t take the credit. chan helped himself in a way. he allowed himself to accept the help that jeongin offered, and soon learned to help himself.

however, in all recoveries, not all are completely smooth. not all good things last, and the streak certainly had to come to an end. changbin called chan that night. he hadn't returned any of his calls, nor his texts. he was getting worried, anxious. he thought chan was getting better.

so why did the events of tonight mirror those that happened before, when chan was going through one of the lowest points in his life?

well past the hundredth time changbin attempted to call his best friend, he picked up.

"chan? oh my god. where are you? where have you been? you didn't respond to any of our messages today? what happened?"

" _bin?_ " changbin heard chan say, " _i-i'm sorry. i was...preoccupied today_."

changbin heard soft sniffles on the other side of the line. wherever chan was, he wasn't at home. if he was, it should've been quieter. changbin swore he heard a car drive by.

"chan, where are you?"

_"...changbin-"_

"chan," changbin repeated, more sternly this time, "where are you."

 _"i'm at the bridge..."_ chan admitted, voice breaking as the tears came flowing out, _"i'm sorry."_

"stay where you are, i'm gonna come get you," changbin spoke, rushing to grab his keys.

 _"no don't,"_ chan warned, _"if you come here, i'll...i'll jump when i see you. i'll do it."_

"chan please," changbin begged, voice almost a whisper, "don't go. i'll send jisung, okay? is that okay?"

_"n-no. i want to see jeongin."_

changbin stayed silent at the odd request. jeongin? yang jeongin? he knew they'd been close, but why him, out of everyone else, and tonight? was he why chan had been getting better?

"i'll send him. is that okay with you?" changbin asked, advancing towards his front door.

 _"yeah."_ changbin hears him breathe out.

theres an extremely short goodbye before the line was cut. changbin stood there for a while, lost. he knew he needed to get jeongin, but it'd take time. chan should still be there. chan should be waiting. he has to be.

changbin speeds anyway, crossing red lights but he didnt give a shit. he vaguely recalled the way to his house after doing a project with him a few months ago. after multiple twists and turns and more red lights, he pulls up at a driveway.

while changbin is trying to get jeongin's attention, chan sits at the edge of the bridge. cars passed by less frequently now, leaving him to the sounds of the wind and the river water underneath him. crows called as they perched themselves on the phone lines, their darkness reminding chan of, yet again, himself. everything had fallen apart so quickly. so quickly.

_maybe if he turned back time, he'd still be on his way to recovery._

"hyung?!" a distant voice called out.

chan's head snapped to the direction of the voice. he saw jeongin standing on the sidewalk, a few feet away from him. the longer chan stared, jeongin inched closer, afraid to accidentally trigger the older and make a mistake.

“what are you doing, hyung?"

chan laughed humourlessly. "what does it look like i'm doing, kid?"

jeongin stood behind chan, who was sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of a bridge. the streetlight illuminated the sidewalk perfectly. there were no cars around anymore, making it peacefully but also painfully silent. even though they were quite the distance from each other, chan could hear jeongin breathing to try and lower his heart rate. jeongin tensed in the end.

"don't," he whispered.

the two stayed in silence for a while. the only sound surrounding them was the small waves of the river below. even then, what used to bring chan so much serenity; the waves, the sea, turned out to be nothing but a dull whisper in his ear. chan still felt jeongin behind him, and he wondered why the younger hasn't left yet.

"jeongin, do you remember the first time we talked?" chan suddenly brought up.

_jeongin was out having dinner with his parents. texting chan under the table secretly had been his priority. after hyunjin and felix dared him to start a conversation with chan by calling him using his code name from a girl who had a crush on him, the conversation was stretched out further than expected._

"yes," jeongin breathed out, replaying the memory of months ago as if it was just yesterday in his mind. "i do."

"what did you tell me?"

_jeongin read the words on his phone screen over and over again. how could chan ever say something like that? did he really think he had nothing, all while jeongin sat there, thinking chan was the most perfect human being in the whole universe?_

_“you’ve got all these good qualities and you’re perfect…but you don’t think so. why?”_

_“well, i guess no one’s gonna see themselves as a good person.”_

“i told you that you’re perfect," jeongin told him, voice cracking halfway, "but you didn't believe me."

and finally, chan turned around, a small, genuine smile on his face. just happy to see jeongin and happy to have him here. jeongin couldn't smile. anxious tears rolled down his face silently, afraid of every movement chan could possibly make.

"let go of me, jeongin," chan told him, "it'll be okay. i'll be in a better place. just let me go."

jeongin shook his head, bottom lip quivering. "i cant. please. please, hyung. stay here. it'll get better soon, i promise. just please-"

"jeongin," chan cut off softly, "it's okay."

jeongin shook his head once more, outstretching his hand slowly for chan to take. "no...hyung. just take my hand. let's go home, hyung. or we can go to jisung's house and you can stay the night with changbin too. you don't have to go home. just stay one more day. one more. please."

chan stared back at jeongin, contemplating various things. his mind wandered off to seungmin. just days ago, the boy saw his scars. he knew why. chan also knew seungmin wouldn't be able to live with it, knowing why chan took his own life, but he wouldn't be able to tell anyone.

_“hyung…what happened?” seungmin asked concernedly, staring down at chan’s wrist littered with fading scars._

_“it’s alright, seungmin. don’t worry about it. it’s been a long time since i’ve done it,” chan smiled half-heartedly._

_we don't bring each other down. chan wont let seungmin suffer just because he was suffering too._

"okay," chan whispered, beginning to outstretch his hand to take jeongin's significantly smaller one.

slowly, carefully, jeongin pulled chan to his feet safely from the edge of the bridge. in the dark night, there they stood at the edge of the world, looking out at the horizon where the water met the sky, reflecting the moon and the stars on the water's surface. chan breathed out, feeling free. he slowly reached out to take jeongin's hand again, entwining their fingers this time.

"because of you, i loved myself for the first time in a long time," chan admitted, "thank you for that."

and then, chan turned to the younger and planted a kiss on his forehead. it was instinct. even though jeongin was younger, he took care of chan that night. jeongin walked chan to jisung's house as he promised. as expected, changbin was there too. jeongin watched from the side as the group of friends exchanged hugs and light curses. despite the negativity of the previous events, jeongin's sure the two were just glad to have chan still here.

so while changbin drove jeongin home, conversation was made. "how'd you do it?"

"i don't know," jeongin softly admitted, "the words just flew out. i just hoped to god they worked."

"and they did."

jeongin nodded in response. "how'd you guys do it all these years?"

"we bargained a lot," changbin told him, "most of the times it worked, but on really bad days, we tell him he cant leave yet."

"why not?"

changbin glanced at him. "because of you."

"m-me?" jeongin uttered in disbelief.

changbin nodded. "kid, you really have no idea how much you mean to chan, do you?"

"i guess not," jeongin responded, barely a whisper.

this time, changbin stops at the red light. he turns to jeongin to speak, "jeongin, you are one of the last people who are anchoring him to this life right now. you've unknowingly saved his life multiple amount of times, yet you just don't know it."

"what? i thought i was just a friend?"

"a friend who saved him," changbin corrected, "jeongin, you're the reason chan's alive tonight. you started talking to him months ago, remember? maybe if you hadn't, chan would've been gone sooner."

the rest of the car ride was silent after this. jeongin truly didn't know how to feel, knowing about his impact on chan's life. he slipped back into bed, worry still lingering in his heart, only unil his phone buzzed on the beside table.

 **chan:** thank you  
**jeongin:** for what?  
**chan:** everything

jeongin puts his phone down, finding a comfortable position on the bed. chan never returned his feelings, and yet jeongin could freely think of the boy without growing upset over it. jeongin figured, maybe this was what true love really is. maybe don't have to have your feelings requited to be able to be at peace.


	3. alternate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> diary entries from jeongin in an alternate universe where jeongin chose the wrong words.

**29/04/18**  
i think i chose the wrong words.

 **01/05/18**  
chan's funeral service was today. i didn't want to go, but a part of me told me i had to. maybe, somewhere out there, chan was still alive, and he could see me, and he wanted me to go.

so i went.

changbin and jisung were there. so was seungmin. he didn't stay for long. i don't think he could. i saw woojin with minho, hyunjin, and felix. i talked to them and they told me that it wasn't my fault and everything was going to be okay. i don't know if they know this, but i don't believe them. i know things are going to just get worse from here.

changbin and jisung stayed behind even after everyone left. everyone except the three of us. we just sat near the grave, talking as if chan was still there with us. he was, in spirit at least. jisung was crying even though he tried not to, but he kept speaking to take his mind off things. i don't know how he does that, but soon he ran out of things to keep him numb, and everything just came crashing back down. i just hoped changbin would be able to take care of him and help him.

 **04/05/18**  
i went to school today. the building seemed duller in colour. the sun didn't even come out through the clouds. it was like everything just stopped. why is it that when chan stopped trying, everything kept moving on, but now when he's gone, the universe decided to finally wait? why couldn't they wait when he was still alive? he would still be here if they waited.

i couldn't find jisung today. woojin told me if i wanted to spend time with changbin, then i should, so that's what i did. i felt bad for leaving my friends, but i think changbin needed someone more than my friends needed me right now. changbin and i still couldn't find jisung the whole day. i don't know where he went. i don't know if he was okay. but, i know changbin tried his best to help him. i hope it worked and jisung was just at home for another day to heal.

 **05/05/18**  
jisungie hyung didn't make it. changbin picked me up just now because he heard that jisung was in the hospital. i brought the diary with me in case i needed it. his mom said he stole his dad's medicine. i sat in the waiting room for hours with changbin. i didn't tell my parents where i went. it was late. they wouldn't notice.

when the doctor came out to tell his parents that hyung didn't make it, they cried. i remember seeing changbin sit there, expressionless, and it scared me. i wanted to know how he felt. i wanted to save him, because i couldn't save chan and jisung.

i didn't let him drive. we didn't even make it home. i parked near the park where i first hung out with chan. we climbed out onto the back, watching the stars. changbin still had no expression, but he told me he would be fine, because he didn't want anything to happen to me if the same thing happened to him, so he wouldn't do it, no matter how hard it got. i didn't like the idea of him doing all that for me, but it was okay. as long as changbin would stay.

now, i'm writing this entry in the back of changbin's truck. he is behind me, lying on his side, and his arms are wrapped around my waist. he is asleep, and his head is pressed against my neck, and i can feel him breathing, and i feel better. tonight, we lose two of our other halves, but we are here together to complete each other. tonight, he is alive, and he is here. i have him, and he has me, and i am never letting go.


End file.
